i know this is personal but....

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:28 am
I know this is personal, but I really had a bad night and I want your guys and gals opinion.

Okay, I've been with this girl for over 2 years and I really love her but I know it's over now because to make the story shorter, for the last year its been rocky and I tried hard but I just didn't feel the same. My gut feeling was telling me different she has kids of her own and that I really didn't get along with. But beside the fact, before the 4th of July, I was at her house
and her daughter's father came in with fire works. I just knew something was up, but I didn't want to be the asshole and say something was going on. Remember, this was the first time I've seen him. She and I were not really getting along at the time so I let it slide when 4th of July came up.

I called her to tell her I wanted to go there, but she didn't want me to go so I just had a depressing day. That day, she told me that it was over 4 days ago and called me Wednesday to go see our son. She picked me up because my car had a flat. I felt weird; I didn't want to face the fact something just wasn't right.

Anyway, we ended up sleeping together on the same bed(no sex). Today, she was telling me how much she loved me and she wanted me to go to the military so we can travel and have a happy family. I was so happy, but that gut feeling was still there for some reason. We went to the mall, walking around looking for clothes for our son and she kept talking about our future. I really felt blessed to have such a beautiful woman and a handsome son. And us talking about the future was exiting, it felt like we were gonna get back very soon. She even mentioned getting married in Hawaii and being stationed there.

We got home around 8 pm and spent family time at the house. The baby went sleep and we made love. I didn't feel right, though, it wasn't love, it just felt like hard sex to me. Anyway, we were laying in bed and I got a bite to eat. Around 1 in the morning, her ex was knocking on her window. She went out there talking to him, and the more I listened, the more I knew she was lying to me. I went out there told him to leave. He said some smart **** and we almost went at it. He said he had a pistol, so she pushed me back in the house. There was really nothing I could do but call to get picked up.

When my ride came, I asked her if was she seeing him. She said yes but we weren't together. He said she was lying and that they've been seeing each other for about a month. I realized she was lying to the both of us. I was walking towards him and at the same time, my dad and her were telling me to get in the vehicle. I was thinking, should I do this or not? I chose not to once I realized he was lying about the pistol and he was calling the cops. She was lying to him, too. It wasn't his fault.

It ended up with the cops coming and it all came out that she was lying to the both of us. I asked her, "What about what we talked about earlier? You were lying not only to me, but to him all this time?" She didn't know what to say, but she kept trying to make me look bad about me having a car that couldn't drive to her house. All I said to him before I left was that she just got caught red handed.

My gut feeling was right all this time and she was the one that picked me up. She was the one that called, she was the one that brought up our future, and she was the one that gave me passes to once again make love or have sex or whatever you want to call it. All I know is she's trying to make me look bad, but reality is she was the one lying and playing with my mind and his. He said, "Yup, the cops told me to go home."

I don't know how I feel right now, but all I know is that I have to thank him for coming over and proving me right about my gut feeling. I just don't know how I feel. All I can think about is my son in the same house with a person like her and probably a fool like him living under the same roof.

I just dont know how to feel right now. Mods, if this is too personal, please don't ban me. I just want to pour my feelings out instead of going out and doing something I might regret. If you can please, anybody give me some thoughts and advice please. Should I have beat his ass or shoot him or no? I realized he was lied to, also. It wasn't his fault i mean he didn't put a gun to her head. Anyway, thoughts?
Last edited by mista240sx on Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:34 am
Man, Id love to help/give you advice (I am something of a councillor with these types of things)

But to be honest, Im trying to read it, and the lack of punctuation and paragraphs is hurting my head (plus, Im still really tired)

Sorry man, I know its relationship and emotional stuff, so it all just blurts out............Ill give it another shot after lunch, then Ill see what I can tell ya. :wink:
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:59 am
Ok, lunch eaten..........had a read (still a struggle though man :wink:) and now Im sitting here, cigarette in hand, ready to go.

First, dont EVER worry about being banned/warned/frowned upon for sharing your thoughts/feelings/troubles like this..........this IS a community, and those that treat this place as such are the ones that are worth a damn on here.

I respect your honesty, and applaude you for speaking out like this for advice..........please always feel that you can, other than the opinion barkers who dont want to engage in real human conversation and actually get on with people, there are good people here who are willing to talk about human things and help if necessary.

Ok, so let me make sure I understand some of the key points here =

1 - You have been with this woman for 2 years, you have a young child together, she has kids from a previous relationship.

2 - Youve had a rough time for a year or so..........sounds like you werent into it in that time?

3 - This ex has re-appeared a little more and things culminated with her not wanting you to come to the 4th July celebrations.

4 - She tells you its over between you two, then all of a sudden is with you again, talking about the future and acting like nothing is/was wrong.

5 - Then it turns out that she is/was seeing him in your little break (but he said it was for about a month?........this bit I couldnt quite make sense of, who said what and who admitted what???)

Wow............thats alot there man, and again, sorry to say but I couldnt make sense of alot of it and not sure of some.

Overall, if she said they were seeing each other whilst you were on a mini break, then all of a sudden comes back..........that screams of her having doubts about your relationship, and possibly thinking she should be with her ex again but then realised that the grass isnt greener..........so she came back to you.

What would have happened if this guy hadnt appeared that night? what would have happened next?

I wouldnt take his word on how long they were seeing each other again for...........he obviously isnt going to have the best feelings for you, being her new guy and all, especially having a new child with her. So he isnt to be trusted, and with her stuttering over answering your questions on how long it ACTUALLY went on for, could mean a few things.

She may have been nervous about the whole situation with him and his "pistol", as well as the cops...........she may have just been flustered and wanted the whole situation over with.............you need to just have a real frank and open discussion with her about it all.

Tell her that for the sake of your child together and the future, she needs to be totally honest with you and tell you what exactly has happend.

Once that is done, you need to be the judge of whether she is telling the truth or not, Ive always been a very good lie detector, hopefully youll be able to see it if she is.

With the ex, just leave it man...........even if he starts sh*t with you (as long as he isnt physically abusive to you or her, then youve got to protect your own but dont start or look for anything with him)...........seriously, this is YOUR relationship, YOUR child, YOUR future, nothing to do with him..........this is between you and your woman, and it will only be sorted out between you two.

One question though, how old are you, her and your child?..........pretty important in trying to get a picture of those involved, as well as the state of play with the child and what not.

Overall man, Im sorry to say this............but obviously, she has in a way cheated on you (as it sounds like it was never really over between you two, even if she was only with him in that little period of you guys not "being" together.........think Ross and Racheal in Friends)............it is always hard to trust and be normal with someone after something like that, especially as it was with a person who is always going to be in her/your lives because of his kids with her.

So the ball is really in your court, if it turns out that it WAS only for that short period where you were "on a break" then it is entirely up to you to trust her again, and it depends on the kind of person you are, as to whether you can get on with your life with her after that............alot of people couldnt.

Trust me you certainly dont want to, and in my mind cant, have a relationship with someone when you have doubts and fears niggling at you all the time...........IT DOES NOT WORK, and will ruin both your lives and your childs, if you stay together but end up resenting each other over that and whats happend.

Ill let you reply and hopefully clarify some of the stuff Ive asked, then Ill come back again man.

Dont worry dude, just chill, we and I atleast are here for you in this form..........we will get somewhere ok. :wink:
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:02 am
She sounds like a liar. You are the best judge, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who could lie to me like that. Do what Bigs says, have a sit down with her, get all the "truth" out, and you be the judge of whether she is lying or not.

By all means, do not get in an altercation with her ex, do not shoot him etc. Avoid him. You do not want to go to jail over his dumb ass.

Ultimately, think of your son first. Do everything you have to do to get full or partial custody. Get that car fixed and hang on to your job etc. Keep all your ducks in a row, and don't let anyone f that up! Your boy needs you to be a positive influence in his life. That's your biggest job now. good luck my man!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3pIsA0Q ... re=related

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:31 am
and... by all means, DO NOT join the military unless it is either that or prison time. She's banking on you getting sent to Iraq, sending her the check home, while she can carry on with her ex when you are not around.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3pIsA0Q ... re=related

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:02 am
Jackattack wrote:and... by all means, DO NOT join the military unless it is either that or prison time. She's banking on you getting sent to Iraq, sending her the check home, while she can carry on with her ex when you are not around.


Ohh yeah, forgot that............what Jack said Mista!

Why would anyone in this day and age join the military...........I mean seriously = "Yeah, ummmm, were in EYEraq fighting for our freedom!!!"............. :roll:
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:46 pm
Thanks for the info guys i really appreciate it. as far as she goes, i really had a chance to think about what happened and i think she wanted me to join the coast guard to travel thats what she was saying i really feel now she just wanted to get out of town as quick as possible because her ex lives in town.
i really feel pissed right now for the simple fact that my son will probably be living with that guy as his step father, i was really thinking i don't ever want to see her face again but my son.... its a tough situation to be in i dont even want to eat anything. and to bigs i'm 30 years old shes 31, my son is 7 months old. i needto pick up the rest of my stuff from her house wich she
lied and said i diddnt have anymore because she told him we been broken june 11th when really it was july 12th.... my mom called her telling her we are gonna pick up the clothes and she sounded like she was so happy like nothing happened but i know thats a front. at this point i just really want to pick up my stuff and say good bye forever but my son....
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:07 pm
mista240sx wrote:Thanks for the info guys i really appreciate it. as far as she goes, i really had a chance to think about what happened and i think she wanted me to join the coast guard to travel thats what she was saying i really feel now she just wanted to get out of town as quick as possible because her ex lives in town.
i really feel pissed right now for the simple fact that my son will probably be living with that guy as his step father, i was really thinking i don't ever want to see her face again but my son.... its a tough situation to be in i dont even want to eat anything. and to bigs i'm 30 years old shes 31, my son is 7 months old. i needto pick up the rest of my stuff from her house wich she
lied and said i diddnt have anymore because she told him we been broken june 11th when really it was july 12th.... my mom called her telling her we are gonna pick up the clothes and she sounded like she was so happy like nothing happened but i know thats a front. at this point i just really want to pick up my stuff and say good bye forever but my son....


Thats a tough decision youve made there my friend............and one that I have actually made myself funnily enough.

I have a 7 year old son, I had him when I was 21, my ex was 17 (Im 28 now)............we both decided to split up, mutually, with no bad deeds done (Ie: cheating or lying, it was just decided we werent good for each other, so rather than ruin our lives and our sons........that was it)

When we first split it was fine, I saw my son every couple of days........which turned into every week...........then she met her now husband...........then it was every 2 weeks............then it was every month.

In this time she turned on me, blaming me for the break up, using my son against me, being very evil and spiteful for no reason at all..........probably because she just resented the fact we/she had a child so young, and she wasnt able to do certain things with her life.

I have always paid her LOTS of money, more so than I actually have too but she has just become more and more spiteful.

Last year, I decided it was best for my son that he have a more stable life, as he was becoming more and more distressed and confused when he saw me (she TAUGHT him to call me James, instead of Daddy, which was his first word actually.........and now he calls her husband Daddy..........that broke me of course)...........and with her becoming more and more inconsistent, I decided it best that I dont see.

I regret it every day but I know he has a more stable life (her husband is a good guy, its just her), and is not in the kind of turmoil he was (at such a young age) with the confusion of seeing his Daddy but it not be his Daddy at any other time than when he was with me.

Thats my situation...........and believe me, its not easy.............I never had the opportunity to get custody, as we werent married (not sure how it works in the US with that)

If you have the opportunity to get him, and you want him, then do whatever it takes!

Good luck man, if you need anymore advice or help, let me know via PM or here if you want. :wink:
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 4:31 pm
It sounds like she doesn't know if she wants you or him, mista. My suggestion is to step away from her. Hear me out:

You say she was cracking on you about not having a car that can drive to her house. You had a flat tire or something. Look, bro, we all fall on some rough times. The thing is, a good way to figure out whose worth trusting with your heart is by seeing how someone around you reacts when the going gets tough. If your girl went back to this other guy a month ago, odds are its because she's worried about how you're gonna support her and your kid. Especially if she's hinting at the military, boss. Its money. She don't care about moving to Hawaii or **** like that; if you join the military, you're going to the frontline, jack. And she'll be sitting in a nice, warm house somewhere, raising your kid, collecting your check from the government while you sweat in the sand dodging bullets. That ain't the kinda girl you wanna give your life to, man. As hard as it is to acknowledge, it sounds like your gut feeling was right. She's got both you and this other guy paying child support. Now, she's trying to figure out which of you guys she should marry. It's a money game to her, man. As deep and emotional and magical as she's tried to make this situation, from a 3rd party standpoint (and, again, I don't have all the details, but my opinion is): it looks like she's playing you and this other guy.

Don't be apart of it. Walk away from her. Get your boy away from her as often as you can (if you can afford to have him, 50/50, in custody, do it). And continue to walk your own path through life. Because somewhere along the line, you'll meet a girl that cares about you and values and appreciates you and truly enjoys you for being YOURSELF. That's who you want. Not some two-faced trick cracking on your car and going back and forth between men, trying to figure out who the safe bet is. **** that. You're not a horse running a race, you're a man.

Swallow hard, keep your head up, and walk on, big man. Its tough, but its what you gotta do.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:34 pm
DUDE-

first off your son is the most important thing....
without being married you will have very few rights in the courts eyes.
if a custody issue ever came down the court will side with her.

do not give her any cash....try your best to support your son with a check and write on the memo line what it is for.
sad but true the court will honor what support you have given to your boy.
also keep A DAILY LOG OR JOURNAL of every thing that happens every day between youand your sons mom.....dates times and what went down.

trust me if the day comes that you have to fight to get your boy
the proof that you helped support and your LOG/ JOURNAL
will give you big props in the courts eyes....

i realize you feel for your girl and all that may or may not work itself out....i hope it does....


but your boy is your blood and he needs you .
the best way to be sure you are in his life is to keep the records now...

if your girl is not telling the truth now she wont tell the truth to a court...

your boy deserves the truth....if your girl cant find the truth.
who will share it with him.
your boy needs you.....take some steps now to be sure you got him solved.

i wish you well ....
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:40 pm
32 wrote:It sounds like she doesn't know if she wants you or him, mista. My suggestion is to step away from her. Hear me out:

You say she was cracking on you about not having a car that can drive to her house. You had a flat tire or something. Look, bro, we all fall on some rough times. The thing is, a good way to figure out whose worth trusting with your heart is by seeing how someone around you reacts when the going gets tough. If your girl went back to this other guy a month ago, odds are its because she's worried about how you're gonna support her and your kid. Especially if she's hinting at the military, boss. Its money. She don't care about moving to Hawaii or **** like that; if you join the military, you're going to the frontline, jack. And she'll be sitting in a nice, warm house somewhere, raising your kid, collecting your check from the government while you sweat in the sand dodging bullets. That ain't the kinda girl you wanna give your life to, man. As hard as it is to acknowledge, it sounds like your gut feeling was right. She's got both you and this other guy paying child support. Now, she's trying to figure out which of you guys she should marry. It's a money game to her, man. As deep and emotional and magical as she's tried to make this situation, from a 3rd party standpoint (and, again, I don't have all the details, but my opinion is): it looks like she's playing you and this other guy.

Don't be apart of it. Walk away from her. Get your boy away from her as often as you can (if you can afford to have him, 50/50, in custody, do it). And continue to walk your own path through life. Because somewhere along the line, you'll meet a girl that cares about you and values and appreciates you and truly enjoys you for being YOURSELF. That's who you want. Not some two-faced trick cracking on your car and going back and forth between men, trying to figure out who the safe bet is. **** that. You're not a horse running a race, you're a man.

Swallow hard, keep your head up, and walk on, big man. Its tough, but its what you gotta do.



tight post imo....
sorry captain jack but.....chicks are a dime a dozen
its like waiting for a bus......you get on one you dont like its route and you get off untill you get on the bus that you like where its going....

a good woman will lift you up when times are down....
a good woman would almost never toss in your face that times are tuff
she will help and encourage .....
hell if your woman isnt your best friend your best supporter..
imo find the woman who will be..
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:36 pm
That's a wise post, 32. Much love and respect to that.

Before I go on, to clear things up... don't trip, you can express these things anytime you want. There's nothing illegal with what you posted. And second, I edited your post to make it easier for others to read and hopefully give their share on this whole thing. Anyways...

I'm with everyone else. She's just playing the money game. Trying to fool you into getting your moolah. She doesn't really want you, love you, or anything. She just wants your salary, your house, your every possession. She's taken one too many things from you, don't let her take your son from you.

Don't worry bro, you'll find a chick that's bomb for you. One that'll truly love and care for you. I don't know when. You don't know when either. It'll come when it chooses to. Just be patient, make a living for yourself and your son, and live out life without her. You gotta face the facts... she's just not the one.

Much love, peace, and respect. I hope and pray for only the best for you. Take care of yourself, bro. Stay up and walk tall.
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